I’ve recently been observing my “judge” – that harsh, critical, lying, unkind voice inside your head that tells you how incompetent or unlovable you are. The one that screams (or maybe softly whispers) how you’re not good at anything, you’re faking it, or you’re an idiot. The one that says, “Who do you think you are?” or “You can’t dance, cook, sing, understand math, etc.”
We all have this voice existing in our head. Shirzad Chamine, author of Positive Intelligence and CEO of the largest coach training organization in the world, calls this The Judge. Sharon Salzberg, a preeminent meditation teacher and co-founder of the Insight Meditation Society, refers to this voice as The Critic. Either way, this voice produces much of our stress, anxiety, self-doubt, anger, shame, guilt, frustration, and mind chatter. While these emotions might have served us in the past, such as alerting us to danger, it prevents us from seeing clearly, moving forward, and maximizing potential.
Many of the leaders I work with experience their judge/critic when triggered in the face of conflict; they are intent on learning ways to shift. What does YOUR Critic or Judge say? We judge others; we judge ourselves; we judge circumstances. How do we shift gears? Reframe and retrain? Even unlearn this pattern because honestly, this isn’t a good space for us or those around us to be in.
We can start by understanding the origin story for our judge. Often the judge is birthed in childhood and reinforced by our environment, parents, or guardians. Reflecting on where we first learned judgment and became self-critical is helpful. Naming our judge/critic is one way to quiet the critic. Salzberg calls her critic Lucy, after the famous Peanuts character who consistently berates Charlie Brown. She often acknowledges Lucy, inviting her to sit in the corner and have a cup of tea.
Positive Intelligence (one of the many tools I have in my coaching kit) teaches us that to quiet the pattern of our judge/critic, it can be helpful to:
- Notice the judge
- Shift our limbic brain
- Retrain
Notice – Shift – Retrain
The notice is the win! When we notice this harsh conversation in our head, we can shift the conversation. To make this shift, it can be helpful to enlist our senses. Try the ideas below and see which one(s) works for you.
- Take one or a series of deep breaths, get present, and focus on the breathing sensation.
- Rub the thumb and forefinger (or hands) together for 10 seconds noticing the sensation, feeling the texture or contour.
- Focus on something in the distance. Then hyper focus on something up close, such as a person’s eye lashes or eye color.
- Become aware of a sound far away. Then become aware of a sound near by.
These tactics disengage us from our limbic system, when human design tells us to fight, flight, or freeze in the face of perceived danger. This limbic system was helpful in prehistoric times when Homo Sapiens responded with the fight-flight-freeze reflex or died. Today, this system response often leads to stress, anxiety, shame, and endless mind chatter. Our work is to “snap out” of the pattern and retrain the language of truth: “I’m kind,” or “I love to dance,” or “I actually am a subject matter expert,” Practicing this repeatedly allows us to unlearn a long-held pattern and build a new, more helpful, habit.
Viktor Frankl’s famous quote reminds us, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Seek your freedom from the judge/critic. Notice, shift, and then retrain.
TAKE ACTION
Ready to Notice, Shift, and Retrain? Let’s talk.