“Between the stimulus and response, there is a space. And in that space lies our power and freedom to choose our responses. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Viktor Frankl, 1946
Many of my clients come to me with the desire to work on managing their emotional responses to elevate their executive presence. An emotional response is where something is said in a meeting, which may trigger a leader to respond in a way that leader may feel, in retrospect, unfitting. The response might be anger (fight), an unnecessary apology (flight), or freezing. I get it. We’ve all “been there, done that.”
For thousands of years, humans have responded to threats in their ecosystems. Our limbic systems were on high alert for danger. This warning system served us well and prevented us from dying by the teeth of saber-toothed tigers. Today, the tigers are proverbial, and the “danger” is often perceived. In our call out and cancel culture, perceived “threats” are everywhere (Note: I’m not talking about generational and real trauma). Our work is to find ways to address them through choice and freedom; the pause between stimulus and response is the middle ground.
One of my clients is a Harvard Ph.D. and leader in pharmacology. She was leading a team of scientists in a biomedical engineering company and was frequently triggered by a male colleague who constantly challenged her reporting, research, and team management. My client perceived the threat as disrespectful based on her decades of expertise brought on by being a woman in a field dominated by men. She wanted to be respected, to communicate clearly, and to lead her various teams productively and effectively.
Our coaching sessions involved finding that middle ground, which we created through 4 Steps.
Step 1: Pause
I told my client to take a moment and ask herself these questions:
How did she know she was triggered? What were her tells? What feelings became evident? Where did she feel those “tells” in her body?
This helped her to learn when she was triggered and to allow for the tell.
Step 2: Claim the Space
During taking a pause, allow and create space. Our senses can help. My client chose to take a deep breath. Some people may choose to wiggle their toes or rub their fingers or hands together. Others might stare at another person’s pupils, or seek a sound outside the conversation to help re-regulate or help to disengage for a few seconds. This tells our limbic system that we are not in imminent danger.
Step 3: Choose
Once my client was able to create her space, she then had room to choose her response. Often, she got curious and asked questions to clarify challenges or concerns.
Step 4: Pre-empt Potential Conflict
My client began to think about ways in her leadership position that she may offset challenges from colleagues. Regarding the male colleague who constantly challenged her leadership, she met with him one-on-one to dive into data prior to big decision-making meetings. She communicated privately how they could work more effectively co-creating a space for discussion.
The result for my client? She garnered better working relationships and managed complex inquiries as opportunities rather than challenges. Her confidence increased, and her voice was regularly heard. Her team was able to communicate among themselves more effectively, and they achieved required outcomes critical for the company.
How might you use this middle ground to navigate situations where you’ve been triggered?
Let me know by leaving a comment.
If you feel emotional responses are playing a significant role in your leadership or work, let’s chat on finding a solution.